"To Fat for Prom"

            I  hate shopping. I hate HATE shopping - unless it's for shoes (but that's another story).  It started when I was a kid and my mom would list all the types of clothes I was too fat for. I was taller and thicker than most kids my age but I wasn't even chubby.  It got worse as I got older and got into high school.  I was too "fat" for a two piece bathing suit and too "fat" to go to prom.  I was too fat for skirts and dresses with belts and shorts......The thing was, I wasn't.  I was 5'4" 138lbs and a size 8.  My mother would sigh and say, "At least you have baby making hips. Some guy is really going to appreciate that about you and you guys will have tons of babies." That is such a mean thing to tell a young girl barely into puberty!  I've grown a little since then and I've lost 20lbs. I now wear a size 2 or a 4 depending on the store.  Shopping should be fun now but it's not.
       
             My sister is getting married so I need a new dress.  Hubby kept the kids and I took the day to go to the mall.  I was afraid to try on dresses that might make my legs look chunky or that would make my hips look too big. I was afraid to try on dresses that would flare at the waist.  I spent four and a half hours shopping, I only tried on three dresses and I hated how I looked in all of them.  By the time I got home I was depressed, stressed and had a raging headache.  I told Hubby I'm just wearing my black dress that I've had for years and that I feel comfortable in (but I'm getting new boots to wear with it!). 

            It shouldn't still be like this. I know I'm thin. When I wear clothes I already own I feel great; but, when I go shopping, I suddenly fall back into the same feelings I had as a kid and I hear my mothers voice in my head again.  The logic is all there: she was wrong then, it certainly isn't true now yet, I can't shake it.  Hubby wants to take me dress shopping (I usually only clothes shop if he takes/makes me).  He shouldn't have to make me shop (seriously, how twisted is this?)

            I'm working on getting over this. I can't undo the hurt that was done to me but I can make sure not to repeat it.  I'm working on not doing this to my own daughter.  I will always tell her how beautiful she is - even when her body is changing from a little girl's to an awkward teen's. I will always tell her how amazing she is no matter her size or shape.  I will always tell her how pretty I think I am and let her see my self confidence.  I want her to LOVE to shop - because she knows how great her own unique body is.